I’ve argued with myself for a long time if I wanted to write about this topic or not. I’ve come to the solid conclusion that I don’t want to write about it, but I really should. This is difficult for me. God (through my blog) has given me opportunities that I never thought possible: opportunities to share what He’s been doing in my life and how He heals our brokenness, but I never really wanted to get into something this private. However, I need to take advantage of the opportunity God has given to me to share with others. Guaranteed: at least one person who reads this new post will have struggled (or is struggling) with the topic I am going to address. This topic is dark, scary, ignored, and all-too-common. It manifests in various ways and affects the widest array of people. It’s never easy to deal with and to some, it is a lifelong battle. It’s taboo to many in our society, unfortunately. I’m speaking of depression and anxiety. It’s the elephant in the room.
First of all, I’m not professionally qualified to talk about these delicate topics, just a heads up. I’m not a doctor or a psychiatrist. I’m not even majoring in anything close to those professions. But I think I have something more to offer…personal experience. Understanding. I can truly relate.
I’ve struggled with depression since I was a senior in High School. There was no dramatic, horrible event that started the downwards spiral. It came quietly. It crept into just about every area of my life until it became difficult to get out of bed in the mornings. I drew away from my friends and family, I cried myself to sleep many nights, and I kept it all bottled up inside. I didn’t know what was causing these many feelings and I didn’t want to tell a single soul. There were some days where I felt better, but then I seemed to plunge right back into the depths of this disease. I’ll be blunt and truthful. Depression is a disease. Like cancer is a disease of the body, depression is a disease of the mind. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with those who suffer from it. It doesn’t mean they are being punished by God. It doesn’t mean that they can just “snap out of it”. Depression is real. It’s scary. It’s a dark place. And yes. Even Christians can struggle with it. I didn’t love God any less when I first sank into depression. I loved Him so much. I still do. But I still struggle with hidden sadness down deep. It aches terribly some days. Depression exhausts you. It will emotionally drain you and physically sap you of strength. It is real.
Anxiety is something that often, but not always, accompanies depression. It is fear, worry, and sometimes sheer panic. I’ve always been a worrier, and I think in this past year, Satan took advantage of that and ran with it. Unfortunately, I’ve allowed him to. My worries increased greatly and I’ve realized that in the past 10 months, I’ve struggled with heightened anxiety in addition to depression. This takes on various forms as well. For me, when I am nervous, worried, or anxious, I often get physically sick. I’ve always had a really weak stomach (gore, rollercoasters, sinus drainage- you name it), but even the slightest bit of nerves wreck my innards. Even if the object of my anxiety is not a big deal whatsoever, or even if there is no known cause, I can become sick from my anxiousness. And let me tell you…it’s horrible. It’s embarrassing. Try explaining to your friends that there isn’t always a known cause to why you are throwing up or suddenly panicking. People will tell you that you don’t need to worry. You don’t need to be nervous. You have no need to be anxious. But it still happens. I understand. Again, it is real.
I guess what I’m trying to say here is that you are NOT alone. Do you hear me? You are not alone. I know where you are coming from. I know exactly what it feels like to feel as if you have your own personal thunderstorm following you around…while all your friends and family members seem to be walking happily in the sunshine. I know what it’s like to get panicky and have to force yourself to breathe slowly…in and out…one breath at a time. I know what it’s like to not want to tell anyone your struggles. I know what it’s like to nonchalantly brush off someone when they ask you what your medicine is for. I know.
It’s hard for me to admit. Believe me. It took my brother’s death to wake me up. I realized that bottling up our problems (for whatever reason) is so so harmful. We think that no one will understand us. We think that no one will know what we are feeling. We think our family and friends will see us differently. We may even think that if we are a Christian, we shouldn’t be struggling with depression or anxiety. I thought every single one of those things. But they just aren’t true.
Satan wants us to believe we are alone and unfixable. He wants us to hurt and to keep it all to ourselves.
Please don’t believe him. You don’t need to feel alone, embarrassed, or unloveable.
I know now that I needed to be vunerable. I needed to admit my struggles of depression and anxiousness to my mom and dad. I needed to seek professional help. I needed to continue praying, diving into God’s Word, and believing that He loves me unconditionally…every little broken, nerve-wracked piece. Not gonna lie…it’s a process. Talking to my parents didn’t make the depression go away. My medicine and counseling have helped me so very much, but there are still lingering days of intense sadness. I still have my days of doubting God’s plan and provision for me. Healing is a very long process, but I have come very far already. Yes, I still deal with depression. I still have days when my anxiety seems out of my control. However, if there is any advice I have been given that has helped me immeasurably, it is the truths I have found in God’s Word. These two favorite verses of mine have been memorized, written down, and shared with others. I repeat them often.
“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘Therefore, I will hope in Him.'” ~Lamentations 3:22-24
“Do not fear for I am with you. Do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” ~Isaiah 41:10
They are God’s very own words…reminding me that HE is the one in control. HE knows the deepest depths of my heart and mind. HE knows about my sickness. HE never leaves me. HE has already beaten my struggles. HE LOVES ME, despite my issues. My brokenness = His Grace.
❤
P.S. My prayer for myself and my prayer for you is this: healing. In the past, I’ve prayed for help with coping, but now I have been shocked with the realization that I can pray for healing. It is so simple, yet so complicated. I pray for healing and for strength and peace for every day.
Love Sees You 