Valentine’s Day is almost upon us and I’m preparing my blog a few days early to hopefully avoid being in the midst of the numerous posts of “Ohhhhh my significant other is the best thing in the whole wide world” or “Ohhhhh woe is me, I’m as single as can be“. Blah blah blah. Both can be annoying. On days like Valentine’s, or on just any typical day when contemplating relationships, we often don’t think of love in the correct way. I wrote all about my opinions and struggles with this in The Wrong Kind of Love. (Shameless plug: if you haven’t read that post, you should click on the link and go read that first). Even just two years ago, my perception of love was completely screwed up. In my current stage of life, it is still screwed up. I am a sinner, after all. My actions and thoughts of love will, unfortunately, always be tainted. However, that doesn’t mean that I cannot do things correctly sometimes, learn from my past mistakes, or be taught about love from the Relentless Lover, Himself. So here’s to a post about the right kind of love: love that I have learned about through new experiences, teaching, and ultimately, Christ’s perfect example.
When discussing this topic with my boyfriend, we talked a lot about the dynamics of our relationship…what works well for us, what we needed to improve on together or individually, and biblical principles of relationships. We decided (in our mere human views of a Divinely-created thing), that the right kind of love should involve communication, respect, growth, and service. In our relationship, in the times where we have felt the strongest and have seen flourishing, is when these four aspects are being applied to our friendship. Note: it’s hard to do well in all of these areas, let alone all at once. Relationships are definitely no walk in the park. They take constant work. Also, note: this is not some magic formula…not a “do this and everything will be better”. Once again, relationships take work…but without the Lord in the picture, the dynamics are much different.
Communication. It should be constant. Not the clingy, mushy communication of an immature, needy couple, but real nitty-gritty communication. You talk about the hard stuff. You become vulnerable with each other, sharing your struggles and your downfalls. You use gracious words {Proverbs 16:24}, speech that is uplifting and seasoned with salt {Colossians 4:6}, and most importantly, you be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry {James 1:19}.
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”
Fun fact: this doesn’t just go for dating relationships. Though my boyfriend and I have had numerous times to practice the God-honoring communication principles, loving communication is used in families and friendships as well. He and I have had to learn the art of humble communication. This means, genuinely apologizing and confessing to one another AND genuinely forgiving one another. We are far from perfect. We mess up all the time. We frustrate each other, hold back our feelings, or just plain mess up…but time and time again, we have recognized our mistakes, humbly apologized to the other, and have forgiven. It’s rough at the time, but to be forgiven and to be free of your downfalls is the best feeling.
Respect. This can be tricky…especially in guy-and-girl dynamics. Respect can look a little bit different and definitely be difficult. For my boyfriend and I, respect has been more about the good of our relationship and respect for the Lord than anything. First of all, we respect our relationship and the enjoyment of it by not obsessing. We are mindful and contemplative of the future in a practical way, but we don’t worry and obsess over it. We’d like to get married someday, IF that is what God has in mind. So for now, we date with intention as we look forward to that day, but are respectful of God’s plans as well. Now comes the uncomfortable part that not many like to acknowledge nor agree with. We are respectful of each other’s bodies and boundaries. We talked about boundaries on our second date. And it wasn’t a once-and-done thing. We still talk about boundaries, a year and some odd weeks later. We keep each other accountable, even if it is difficult. We know that God intended sex to be for the pleasure, enjoyment, and fulfillment of a man and woman in the confines of marriage {Matthew 19:4-6}. Yeah, it’s definitely hard. We are human. But we are still respectful of God’s intentions for bodies and boundaries.
Growth. Relationships should constantly be growing. My boyfriend and I have recognized growth in sharing and praying, more than anything. We share just about everything. Thoughts, ideas, time, sorrows, joy. (Some people may think we share a little too much time, but honestly, I don’t let it bother me too much. It’s a part of growing. Now, there’s definitely a limit, but that’s another can of worms). We also make it a point to pray, both for and with each other. I’ll tell ya, that is also difficult. My prayer life can be pretty crappy, pretty often. But those times when I am in communication with my Heavenly Father and am able to pray for my man, I feel much closer to both of them. One of my favorite memories was a really difficult one, and personal, so I won’t share details. Basically, we had a very long, difficult, and tear-filled discussion. It was filled with confession, forgiveness, and sharing. But after this conversation came to a close, we prayed together. That was the sweetest time, where the Lord drew us so close together as we came before Him with our thoughts. You grow closer to your significant other when you grow closer to the Lord. Plain and simple.
“Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor…and if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” {Ecclesiastes 4:9, 12}
Service. This is the big one. Not that the others weren’t hugely important, but THIS. Hear me out. Out-serve. That is our motto, if you will. The motto that I wish I remembered waaaayyy more often than I do 😦 Jesus set the best example for this.
“For even the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve others and to give His life as a ransom for many.” {Matthew 20:28}
The message is clear. We are not to expect the service of others, but we should be the ones jumping at the chance to put someone else first…especially our significant other. Out-serving someone you love is one of the best ways to show your love towards them. That Agape-love that Jesus showed us? Yeah, that came from serving us by DYING in our place. Wow. Ways to out-serve each other? Compromise. Little-stuff lookout. When you compromise, you should be giving up some of your own wants and allowing more of the other’s to be involved in your decision. Look out for the little things…they are often the most loving. My boyfriend knows that I LOVE reading/writing…i.e. handwritten notes. He takes just a teeny bit of time out of his day to jot a little note on some paper to put in my mailbox a few times a week. It probably takes him less than 5 minutes, but I treasure those little notes! We try to look for the little things that remind the other, “Hey. I noticed that makes you happy, so I’m going to go out of my way and make you happy.”
“Love is not passion. It is the pulse of sacrifice. There are no standing lovers. The only way to love is to lay down. Lay down plans. Lay down agendas. Lay down self. Love is always laying down. Love lets go of its plans to hold on to a person.”
You see, the right kind of love is involved. It’s vulnerable. It’s messy. It’s difficult. But it is so worth it. Christ is the ultimate example and image of love, and the only one we should be following. Therefore, in our relationships, we should be living to be a reflection of that kind of love while yet recognizing our imperfection. I am so very thankful for the lessons God has taught me through this relationship and I pray that this blog post can be an encouragement and nudge for you as well. ❤
I guess I knew the day would come, but I didn’t realize how fast it would sneak up on us. We’ve even had some practice, with me going off to college (twice), but we always knew I’d be moving right back home.
Love Sees You 