Build With Me

In my adult life, I have become a thinker. Contemplating all the facets of life, love, friendship, difficulty, etc. is something I truly enjoy doing. I enjoy learning. Knowing. College, particularly, challenged many of the views I had and forced me to think. It forced me to think about what the meaning of life (mine) is, how I treat other people, and if the perceptions and perspectives I have are good and based on truth. Life has challenged me to become a thinker. To think is to give yourself time to make sure your following speech and actions are good and honest and edifying.

And that last part is something I was marinating on quite a bit yesterday while on the phone one of my friends. How do I make sure my thoughts, actions, and speech are encouraging? We talked a lot about this in light of “romantic” relationships, but truly this can and should be applied to all relationships…friends, parents, coworkers, and the stranger who cashes you out at the grocery store.

All this talk and thought stems from some relationship advice I read a few months back and it is something that really convicted me…because it can be so tempting to do this. It is so easy to (intentionally, unintentionally, or unknowingly) tear down the people I love. I’ll let a little (or big) complaint slip out, I’ll joke about something that may actually annoy me, or sometimes I’ll flat out get upset about something someone did or said. And when I’m talking with my girls, it’s so easy for me to let something negative slip out about my guy. Because guess what? It’s easier for us talk about others than it can be to talk to them. And that is a hard one for me to admit. Any feeble hands want to raise up with mine and say that you do this too?

We as people love to avoid conflict…at least I think we do. We’d rather complain about the problem than confront the problem. But in that supposed “avoidance of conflict,” we actually create it. For example, if my bff and I are talking on the phone, and I “harmlessly” make a crack about being annoyed with such and such a thing that my boyfriend does or I “share” my worries and doubts about something in our relationship INSTEAD of sharing those WITH my boyfriend, I, in fact, tear him down.

What’s that? They’re not there? What they don’t know won’t hurt them?

It will. If you believe those words, you are believing a lie.

Our thoughts are so powerful. When those thoughts turn into speech (or vice versa), they are granted even more power. The tongue is not easily tamed. As soon as I start to complain, argue, speak ungraciously, or tear down with my words, everything else is affected. Think about it this way. Let’s just say I look in the mirror one day and notice that I put on a few pounds after eating Thanksgiving leftovers for two weeks (who hasn’t been there???). I start joking about it with friends, making “meaningless” remarks about getting fat, and start thinking on it more and more. Then one day, all those seemingly harmless thoughts and words get to me. I start to believe them. I start to hate my body, get frustrated with myself, and not like what I see in the mirror. I start to believe what I say about myself, even though it’s not true.

Our words and thoughts can be powerful, to get back to the main point here. The more complaints I allow myself to utter, negative speech that leaves my mouth, and digs I give against someone I love, the more my perception of them starts to change. I begin to get upset. I allow my mind to run away with the “what-if scenarios.” I get frustrated before an interaction even happens. And THAT is the danger. That is exactly what Satan wants us to do.

People, can you hear me in the back? If our thoughts and speech and actions are not building up, they are tearing down. There is no middle ground.

I care a lot for my boyfriend. I desire for our relationship to grow and flourish. C’mon, everyone wants that. But if I have negative thoughts and share those with others behind his back (or my parents’ backs, my friends’, etc.)  rather than going to him with them, I just hurt both of us. Those words and thoughts will warp my perception of him to a point that I could start to doubt him, get angry with him, and forget the reasons why I care for him (and him for me!)

Here’s the solution (and the goal for any other relationship). Build up. Let gracious words season your speech like salt (Colossians 4:6). Be an encouragement. There are so many practical ways to do this. For me, it is this…tell others what you love about them. Share with them the exciting things happening in life. Talk about the positives and what encourages you. And make sure you tell your guy (or girl or friend or parent or coworker or neighbor) too! I try to make a point (especially after hearing that advice) to remind my guy of the ways I am thankful for him, appreciate him, what I respect him for, and all the reasons I love him. Because just that in itself is an encouragement and will build him up. And when (notice I said when, not if) something happens that upsets me or annoys me…I go to him first and share it with him. I shouldn’t ever yell. Shouldn’t accuse or blame or rip him apart or whatever. But in love, share my frustrations and work through a solution WITH him. That is what will make any relationship flourish.

“Real love is patient and it bites its tongue.”

Thoughts are little things. Most of us speak without thinking of the consequences too. And our actions will always speak the loudest of all. So check yourself. Do you build up? Or do you tear down? Being a good architect is part of the job description in any relationship. And simply for this reason: if you aren’t, you are going to cause destruction.

I simply ask you to build with me.